Things are Going to Start Happening to Me Now…

Fourth Variation: 20 October 2012

With special dinner guests James and Leslie Van Wormer

My parents found out I started cooking, and wanted to be included in the tasting – as my sister had tried some, so must they.  So they somehow maneuvered their way into having me ask them over for dinner, as they do, and we had Chili the Fourth.  It was my finest variety yet. 

Having learned lessons from the previous weeks’ experiments, I felt confident in preparing a classic-tasting chili with a solid level of spice.  I had found out that the way I was preparing the peppers (removing all seeds and white shit from the inside) lessened the hotness, and that would have been a good thing for people like my parents, who claim not to like hot things.  Of the peppers chosen, I left the seeds in the serranos only, and used crushed red flakes on top of that. 

I actually lucked out, not knowing my mom was allergic to Tabasco sauce, I just happened not to put any in.  I thought about it, remembered she didn’t like spicy things, and opted on Worcestershire sauce instead.  Marissa asked how I didn’t know she was allergic to it, and Mom probably told me at one point but she talks so much, it’s difficult to decipher between “necessary” and “unnecessary” words that emerge from her mouth. 

This chili, while my best yet, was not without its faults.  I feel that the ratio of meat to vegetables was too low, and I had one-too-many onions.  The onions seemed so small in the store, so I figured two would suffice.  That assumption proved the expression about assuming things. 

So my mom asked if she could bring anything.  I was taken aback by this suggestion and said that the chili is a dish prepared start-to-finish by me and a side dish would take away from the focus of the meal.  And as she talked her way into my kitchen, she talked her way into bringing over a loaf of bread.  “That would be fine,” I said, not knowing the bread would have margarine (possibly of the spray variety) soaking it.  My wife found out I turned down salad, which is what my mom makes best.  Say what you will about my mom’s cooking, but she can toss a mean salad when she wants to.  And you know what?  She apparently didn’t want to that fateful Saturday.  It seems like she took a bag of salad from the store (the one with snow peas in it) and put it in Tupperware.  That’s it.  When she got here, she put some oil and vinegar on it, mixed it, and served.  It tasted okay, but I really try to use only fresh ingredients, at least as much as possible in the chili, the pre-made salad and margarined bread just were unnecessary additions.  There was also a noteworthy part of the meal when my mom spilled salad on the floor.  I was nervous that it was chili and was relieved to find out that it was just salad.  Whew!

My mom also brought over her own bottle of red wine, half drank on a previous date.  That’s a classic “mom” move, something she’s been known to do not only as a dinner guest, but to restaurants as well.  Prepared for this, I have one mom-approved red wine glass on hand at all times.  And yes, she’s the one that brought it over years ago.  Everyone else just puts up with something that holds wine and is clean. 

Ingredients:

½ lb. ground beef

½ lb. hot Italian sausage

2 yellow onions

4 cloves of garlic

6 jalapenos

1 yellow bell pepper

1 poblano pepper

2 serrano peppers

3 Red Fresno peppers

2 cherry peppers

*2 plum tomatoes

3 vine-ripe tomatoes

1 large ‘fancy’ tomato

4 tomatillos

Spices: 

Chili powder; cumin; crushed red pepper flakes; salt; pepper;  paprika; *Worcestershire sauce

Toppings: 

Bacon; chives; Seriously Sharp cheddar cheese; Sour cream

Beer Me That Chili

Third Variation: 13 October 2012

With special dinner guest Tracy Olivera; featuring a single bite by Erin Vetter

My sister was up from DC for a few days and I was excited to “talk chili” with her and show off my culinary skillz (with a “z”).   Since I was still taking care of the bed-rest wife (which sounds like a shitty mystery book, “The Case of the Bed-Rest Wife”), she said she’d help around the house and mentioned how she wanted to learn how to sand drywall.  As luck would have it, the unfinished nursery had some drywall to sand.  Perfect! 

But back to the chili.  I gave this one a ton of thought, perhaps too much, and after some serious half-assed research, decided to include a 12 oz. bottle of Guinness, cinnamon, sugar, crushed red pepper, tomatillos, a white onion and a wide array of peppers.  It was a bad idea.  Individually, these things could have worked well.  Together, it was a cluster-fuck of flavor that strayed too far from ‘Chili’ into the realm of stew.  It was good, and if Tracy’s expectations for my food weren’t so low, I’m sure she would have been more open to criticize it.  Good for her though, being nice.  I wasn’t sure how I felt about this chili until I had the leftovers.  Chili leftovers are notorious for improving with age.  These degraded quickly into something that tasted like desserty sweet dark brown sludge.  I still ate it, but it was merely to get food into me.  I did not enjoy said leftovers.

On the preparation - The tomatillos were a bitch to skin – didn’t peel the way I expect a goddamned tomato to peel, but I guess they’re not tomatoes, they’re tomatillos.  I had half an onion leftover and went with a white onion, so there exists the possibility that there were too many onions.  Of all the new spices included, only one made the cut into the next batch – crushed red pepper.  If last week’s game-changer was cumin, this week’s game-changer was crushed red pepper.  Seriously, that red pepper got in there and the tomatillo asked how the meeting went, and the red pepper said, “I crushed it” like a douche-bag.  I also timed this batch perfectly, even cooking it a little too long – staying up late to cut veggies and waking up at 8:00 to brown the meat and start the crock pot. 

A part of the preparation that I found worthwhile was cooking the onions and garlic in the meat grease.  I picked up this little trick somewhere and finally had the balls to try it this time.  It seems to be going well, and I will continue this method as it is fun and makes me sound like I know what I’m talking about.

Ingredients:

½ lb. ground beef

½ lb. hot Italian sausage

1 yellow onion

*1 white onion

4 cloves of garlic

4 jalapenos

1 red bell pepper

2 serrano peppers

3 Red Fresno peppers

2 cherry peppers

1 vine-ripe tomato

*6 tomatillos

*1 12 oz. bottle of Guinness

1 can of kidney beans

Spices: 

*Cinnamon; *Sugar; *Crushed Red Pepper Flakes; *a couple shakes of Chipotle Tabasco Sauce; cumin;

Toppings:  See Second Variation

Cumin to Getchya

Second Variation: 29 September 2012

Taking a bite of my first chili, I could already tell there was room for improvement.  Visually, it resembled chili, but it ended there.  It was like hamburger soup and I shudder at the thought of eating it without toppings.  Like sex, I learned a lot from my first time, but was convinced I could improve and wanted to try another crack at it almost immediately.  

Specifically, I improved the preparation time.  I cut the vegetables and put them in the refrigerator the night before – but still didn’t have the timing right and was forced to use the “high” setting on the crock pot.  Already, I knew there would be a third variety. 

I also hit the books before going to the store this week, and learned that cumin, which my wife claimed to dislike, was something used in pretty much every chili since chili’s conception.  It’s even an ingredient in chili power.  Cumin turned out to be a game-changer, as did the amount of chili powder I used.  Hesitant with it on the first batch, I DRENCHED THE SHIT outta this batch with Chili P.  I thought it might have been too much, but this chili ended up superior to its predecessor in every conceivable way.

Unsung hero of the batch has to go to the inclusion of garlic.  I was afraid including that little bulb would make the chili resemble marinara sauce too much.  What a fool I was!  

Ingredients:

½ lb. ground beef

½ lb. hot Italian sausage

1 yellow onion

*3 cloves of garlic

4 jalapenos

1 yellow bell pepper

*1 poblano pepper

*2 serrano peppers

*3 Red Fresno peppers

2 cherry peppers

5 vine-ripe tomatoes

1 can of kidney beans

Spices: 

Chili powder; table salt; pepper; paprika; cayenne pepper; *cumin

Toppings: 

Crispy smoked bacon bits; cheddar cheese; chives; *sour cream

*denotes new ingredient